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Journal History


 I was in the hospital yesterday, my blood pressure was 140/95 and my heart rate was 135. The paramedics took me to the hospital via ambulance due to my chest and neck pain, they were worried about me having heart problems. The doctor's weren't able to lower my heart rate, even after giving me Ativan, which fucked me up by the way.

 I was seeing some pretty weird shit from that ativan, and it only made me feel even shittier than I already did. I'm back home now, but I have to take my pulse and blood pressure every two hours and write it down. I'm not to do anything active, or anything stressful.

 I apologize for having such shitty health.
I didn't realize this until I read the later my brother's birth Dad sent him...

But I'm jealous

His birth dad has never stopped loving him or trying to stay in touch

His Dad also has been working really hard to get out of Jail and go to rehab so he can earn the right to be a part of my brother's life But his Dad doesn't want to take him away from us, he just wants to be involved in his sons see him grow up

I'm so unbelievably jealous

Because my birth mom fucking gave me up without a fucking second thought, she left me in a god damn hospital because she couldn't pay the fucking hospital bill and she didn't even fucking try to complete rehab

She never writes me letters, never sent me pictures

My birth family don't either, my birth brother didn't want custody over me

He couldn't have cared less

My birth dad doesn't even know I fucking exist but my brother is loved by his birth family

It hurts.

I don't know why I'm so upset

i should be happy for him, but Instead I'm just super sad and upset

I actually started crying

I kinda told myself that I didn't care about my birth family, that they meant nothing to me

But I guess that isn't true.

I pretended that being adopted is easy, that it doesn't hurt at all, that my birth parents are probably stupid assholes anyways, so there is no reason for me to want to meet them...

And I thought I truly believed that, but apparently that's wrong

I kinda wished my birth dad would write me a letter, Or my birth mom, or even my birth brother.

Or that they'd try to find me, or something

But they couldn't care less about me.

My birth dad probably was a one night stand with my birth mom, my mom didn't want another kid and he probably didn't want one at all. 

My birth brother didn't want a sibling, I would have been a burden to him, so he refused custody

None of my other relatives were either alive or willing to take me...
Where did it all begin, I wonder.

Perhaps it began long before my tiny form was dragged forth from the warmth of my mother's womb, barely breathing. 

Perhaps it started centuries before my time, and yet I thought that it had died out much like this breath that is dying on my lips. 

It seems I'm suffocating once more, drowning in this sickening feeling and yet I cannot do anything about save for look on in disbelief.

Maybe I had been naive, or maybe it was simply denial, but I couldn't have ever fathomed that this would be the outcome. It hardly seemed possible, and so I hadn't really worried about it.

Surely it was a joke, I had thought, because it couldn't possibly be serious...but that must have been my very first mistake. 

The days dragged on and on, seemingly endless...and truly, honestly, it never seemed as if it would end, regardless of how much the desire for it to stop persisted.

 Just those grey blue eyes watching the pictures move fluidly across the bright screen of a TV one after another, an assortment of channels all covering the same topic that plagued everyone's mind. 

 Day after day, accusations flying left and right, the falling faces of strangers and the unfamiliar voices raising with quick retorts, all to eager to sink one another's ship.

 And still, somewhere deep inside me, there was a little voice. One that was meek and soft, timid by nature, telling me that this couldn't possibly continue.

 But I was wrong, wrong to assume that something is impossible, for anything is possible in this world I was born in. 

 But I watched on, with fluttering lashes and trembling lips. Watched as the ugly truth began to unfold, spreading it's grotesque wings and tainting the very air with it's wretchedness.

 Watched with dampening cheeks, and teary eyes as the words cut deep. Looked upon the peaceful face of my dearest little niece, sleeping so peaceful upon the couch, and thought of all the little girls in the world who would watch this. I thought of what they might feel, what I felt.

 Lies and truths, like wildfire they spread, from ear to ear, from the lips of strangers. It'd follow me, as I walked down the streets, those voice all pondering the same question as I was. 

 It had infected us, it was the topic of every conversation, it was everywhere. It had spread quickly, spiraling out of control before we even knew what was happening, and even still we decided to ignore it...because, against our better judgment, we thought our fears couldn't possibly come true.

 How silly of us.

I didn't understand, even now I do not understand. Cannot possibly begin to comprehend the reasons, how anyone could possibly be so ignorant and blind.

I had faith, believed to the very depths of my core, that no one could possibly be that horrid, that stupid.

But I was wrong.
How far it had come, how long it had dragged out, I had not expected it to get this far. And yet it did, but still I held faith, laughed and said "Ridiculous, there's no way!"

But then those words of mine, those thoughts, those arguments that I used to rationalize the idea in my head of this being impossible, it was all forced down my throat. I could hardly breathe, bile rising in the pit of my unsettling stomach and my mind going wild with it's restlessness. 

 That night, for the first time in many years, I had bowed my head and knelt down to pray. 

 "Oh god," I'd started with a trembling voice, "I know that I haven't the right to pray to you tonight, but I've never asked for much from you, you see," 

 As I steadied my heart and gathered my thoughts, I continued to plead, "But tonight, for you I have bent down on my knees, I beg that you please do something to intervene."

 I begged and pleaded, prayed until I thought I could say no more but it seemed that no one really was willing to listen.

So I watched with intensity, my hand on the smooth surface of the keyboard, watching. Like an obsession, as the sky grew dim and the only light to illuminate my face was the blue reflecting from the screen.

 I looked upon that little map, a map that was, in reality, not tiny at all. So familiar a sight it was, for I had grown up seeing those same shapes and names painted across pages and boards through out my childhood.

 It was lit up in pink and baby blue, the colors of cotton candy and baby showers, and yet I wasn't excited to see this colors at all. Not like this, not under this circumstance. 

 I watched as that map slowly turn, one agonizing shape at a time, from pink to a deep red until there was barely any blue remaining. And I sunk into my seat, with disbelief setting itself into my features as something unpleasant feeling crept into my being. 

 I stared at that crimson map, red like the suffering and bloodshed that would soon stain those very same lands. Red like the burning feeling in my eyes which mirrored the fire setting my heart and stomach ablaze.

 I stared with broken eyes, words lingering on my lips but my tongue tangled in a mess of things that tasted both bitter and sadly sweet.

And so as it finally drew to a conclusion, I wondered if perhaps, from this day onward, I'd never again be free.
 In the mirror she stares, 
 With those wild eyes of blue and grey
 Upon her pale and chapped lips it lingers,
 Those little words she wishes to say,
 Yet she never dares,
 Only lifts to her face her nimble fingers,

 "If this face of mine were beautiful, would I be happy at last?"
The little ugly duckling asked,

 Her gaze traveled across the white of her skin,
 From the swell of her breast,
 To the shape of her thighs, so pale and thin
 She looks upon herself, She is no beauty
 She is only simple at best,
 But she wishes she was, truly
 "If someday I became beautiful, would someone love me at last?"
 The little ugly duckling asked,

 What she sees in her reflection as she cries,
 Is just a girl with long dark hair,
 And rings lining her solemn eyes
 Sitting before a mirror, bare

 "If my hair were golden, would I be beautiful at last?"
 That little, ugly duckling asked...
 Every morning I wake up to someone talking about how they are "too old" to like something or do something anymore, or saying that they should let go of something they love. Well let me tell you, you're never too old to love something, to have fun or to enjoy something.

 It's stupid that we have to make up all these ridiculous rules for what we can and cannot do in this life. Yes, right from wrong is important, but when you start labeling people as things and restricting people from doing what they love it becomes stupid. It's beyond me, the thought of people sitting here and going "I'm too old to watch this" or "It's about time I let go of this"

 You label people as masculine, feminine. As white and as black. As a nerd and as a jock. As old and as young. Just shut up for god sakes, I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit. 

 Can we not just be people? Can we not just be ourselves? Why does it matter if I'm male or female? Why does it matter if I'm 17 or 45? I can like whatever color I want, eat whatever food I want, watch whatever show I want, get a career I want, etc and if anyone says something about...screw them.

 It's none of their business.

 You be you, that's all that matters. No one should label you based on the things you like, say or do. The only time someone has the right to judge you or has any business with you is if you give them that right, or you've harmed their rights or well being. 

 Do what you love, do what makes you happy, because there's only so much time in this world and your life is precious. Not everyone has this gift, this right to a peaceful life, nor the freedom to make it's okay to be selfish. Because what is even more sick and selfish is taking for granted what you have, throwing away the good things that people less fortunate than you would give anything for.

 Cherish yourself, because you are precious. Your life is precious. Live it happily, because the biggest treasure you will ever receive in this lifetime is the chance to experience many joys.



You want a lemon, you'll have to pay me for it. Because not only is the effort much higher, but i'll have to post it on another site due to DA's rules. 
I will do free requests, but if you want yours sooner or higher quality you'll have to pay. I usually do good quality on free request though. It's just doing a whole lot of content for free is a little difficult. Do not feel obligated to pay me though, I will still do free one shot's because thats the kind thing to do.


 I was in the hospital yesterday, my blood pressure was 140/95 and my heart rate was 135. The paramedics took me to the hospital via ambulance due to my chest and neck pain, they were worried about me having heart problems. The doctor's weren't able to lower my heart rate, even after giving me Ativan, which fucked me up by the way.

 I was seeing some pretty weird shit from that ativan, and it only made me feel even shittier than I already did. I'm back home now, but I have to take my pulse and blood pressure every two hours and write it down. I'm not to do anything active, or anything stressful.

 I apologize for having such shitty health.



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birdgirl69 Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for :+fav:
riseagainstevil Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2016
birdgirl69 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Vocashugorabbit Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2016  Student Artist
Thanks for the fave!! ^^
riseagainstevil Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2016
morianna19 Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fave on my reader insert! Hug 
riseagainstevil Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2016
You're welcome
ClaireMaeda Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Tnx 4 the fav!!La la la la
Visit if u like my gallery*w*
riseagainstevil Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2016
You're welcome
tocglitch Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2016
Hey! Happy late birthday! :D Neko Emoji-37 (Yay) [V2] Free Avatar - CupTardCake Bunny Emoji-12 (Yay) [V1] 
I hope you're doing fine and had a especial, happy day Tohru hugs Kisa-chan [V1] 
Best wishes for you to be healthy and keep growing up.Komari hugs Rin [V5]
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