riseagainstevil

  It's been a very long time since I've written anything. I apologize for this long hiatus, but I did not intentionally avoid writing. I have had writers block for quite some time now. I may return soon, I do apologize if I do not return anytime soon. I just have a lot to focus on right now.

 I'm okay now.
 
 I've been dealing with high levels of stress due to health and the end of the school year assignments. But I've recently been working on my depression and I've achieved some results due to my hard work.

 I should be able to get back to writing this summer, so hopefully you'll read the updates on my works. 

 Thank you so much to all of the people who were there for me and are my friends here on DA! I really appreciate your kindness. 

 As it has turned out from one of my recent blood draws, I am severely anemic and this was the last of the symptoms of Leukemia that I have. This leads me to the conclusion that I likely do have leukemia, a form of cancer that affects the blood. I will still need to check with my doctors and see a cancer specialist to confirm things and make sure that it is or isn't leukemia...but things aren't looking to great.

 I apologize for my long absence on DA, I love writing and I love reading your comments, but I just am falling apart at the seams right now. It's doctor after doctor, and one thing after another thing wrong with me keeps showing up, from unexplained bruises and cuts to nose bleeds and intense stomach pains and nausea and vomiting. 

 I'm tired, weak, fatigued, among many other things. And it's sending me into a downward spiral of depression that has made it hard for me to even roll out of bed in the morning. 

 I didn't know what was wrong with me, my doctors didn't know what was wrong with me, and that scared me more than anything in the world. I wondered if I had some new, incurable disease that would randomly take my life, and that's still a possibility. 

 My doctors still aren't sure what is wrong with me, but they think it is possible that my worry of it being leukemia is a plausible explanation.

 I just don't know. My dreams of being a writer or actor, my dreams of graduating and going to college, they don't seem that possible anymore. After all, I can hardly breathe or stand up without feeling dizzy and light headed and just sick.

 And I'm so stressed, about everything...so many things. I'm suicidal again, more so than I ever have been before, and nothing seems to be helping.

 I am just updating you guys, so you know. 

 I was in the hospital yesterday, my blood pressure was 140/95 and my heart rate was 135. The paramedics took me to the hospital via ambulance due to my chest and neck pain, they were worried about me having heart problems. The doctor's weren't able to lower my heart rate, even after giving me Ativan, which fucked me up by the way.

 I was seeing some pretty weird shit from that ativan, and it only made me feel even shittier than I already did. I'm back home now, but I have to take my pulse and blood pressure every two hours and write it down. I'm not to do anything active, or anything stressful.

 I apologize for having such shitty health.

I didn't realize this until I read the later my brother's birth Dad sent him...

But I'm jealous

His birth dad has never stopped loving him or trying to stay in touch